Life Update

So life happened.  A LOT of life happened.

Long story short I burned out massively in my mental a year ago and completely lost my drive and motivation for work.  It was bad, REALLY bad.  I am the type/kind to always place blame on myself, ask what I could have done better, how could I have reacted better.  Could I have been more hard working?  Could I have done more to fix the issues instead of literally mentally flaming out?

In a nutshell, I basically mentally checked out from my job.  That reaction is on me.  I should not have done that.  But I was in a mental rut and spiraling out of control quickly.  It has been a long time coming but at the time I completely blamed myself for ending up in that situation, but now I’ve come to a point where while I refuse to hold much of any resentment for it, I firmly believe the blame does not rest completely on me for where things have come.  I am not innocent, but I am not at fault either.

But at the same time, I realized that my staying at my old (yes I said old) job would not be mutually beneficial.  I did not believe I was in a position where I would be able to continue to offer what was expected of me anymore, both in terms of my being able to output the expected production, nor my confidence that there was trust enough in what I put out to be considered good enough.  And I would be doing a disservice to my old job to pretend it would get better, it would not, irregardless of how much effort would be put in by either side.  So I left.  3 weeks ago.

Yeah I’ve been jobless and paycheckless for 3 weeks.  3 weeks of no work, so no money, but bills gotta be paid.  Car’s gotta be paid, House’s gotta be paid, Phone and Internet and Utilities? Gotta be paid.

It’s also been 3 weeks coming to grips with this reality.  I’m a computer engineering major.  I’ve spent 7 years doing absolutely no engineering/development.  And I didn’t prepare myself for this reality.  Because 7 years ago, I fully believed that I would be at that job until the day I grew old and retired.

Instead I’ve gotta take a new opportunity.  But with new opportunities comes new things to now figure out.  Gonna be leaving everything I’ve grown up seeing and pack up and move out and see the rest of the US LOL.

But I kinda like the adventure.  I’m a homebody that loves staying in, but there’s still a small curiosity in me that likes being satisfied sometimes, a tiny thirst for adventure and enjoyment of new experiences.